Alice, what do i want for Christmas?

Dear alice,

Happy Holidays dahling. Tis the season of egg nogging, tree trimming, and gift giving. As you know, Halloween is really the only holiday i go gaga for, however i try to get into the spirit, as i love to shop and i love giving gifts. Which leads to the question i'm most often asked. "Teddy, what do you want for Christmas"

Well Alice, as i sit in my bed on this chilly December morning, I know exactly what i want...

I want to wake up Christmas morning to the sound of children's feet running down the stairs

I want my wife and I to worry about our son, who is off to war, only to see him walk through our front door on Christmas day...

I want my boyfriend to call me at 11:59pm on Christmas eve, just so he can tell me that he loves me at Midnight...

I want my deaf son to use his voice for the first time.

I want my parents to drive through the snow, to have dinner with me and my husband, so i can tell them they're going to be grandparents.

For Christmas i want to wake up lying next to someone, who has no where to be but with me

I want to open a gift that has a note in it written in crayon "Daddy, I love you"

i want to drive up to the home of my son and his new wife, and see the tiny little face of my granddaughter peering through the window.

Alice, for Christmas i want to watch my daughter, my boyfriend and the dog try to build a snowman.

I want to feel my baby kick inside his mummy's tummy

I want to order Chinese take out and have a picnic on the floor of my boyfriend's office because he has to work late.

I want my Jamaican father to have breakfast with my white boyfriend and our Asian daughter.

On Christmas i want to lay flowers on my wife's grave and tell her I'll see her soon.

Alice if it's possible, for Christmas all I want is to hear those words...

Merry Christmas Alice Dahling,

Love Teddy A.

Alice, are you familiar with the rules of flirting?

Dear Alice,

I know it's been a while since you have dated. You are one of the lucky few who is in the perfect relationship, But I am one of the MANY who is, in his 20's, single, and actively dating. In other words, I experience hell on a weekly basis. Every friday night...at the bar.

Is it me or do some people have the social graces of a hyena? Between the middle age men stalking the barely legal boys, and the women with full bras and empty wallets, scamming for drinks, it's enough to make you stay home and watch Masterpiece Theatre.

It's literally like going to war. Friday night, you suit up. men shower and shave, putting on the outfits that make them look appealing to whatever it is they want to attract. Women shave, bleach and pluck whats hairy. They make their hair and breasts look bigger, while trying to make their waists and feet look smaller. Girls congregate with their closest gal pals and troupe to the club. Men meet up with their boys and march down to the lounge.

Men scan the room for the easiest catch, Women scan the room for the handsomest predator. Men think they have the equipment or the bank out to snatch any girl in the club, and women think their equipment alone makes them irresistible. The bar is the watering hole, the dance floor becomes jungle, and the lounge becomes the open plains. Dahling...its hunting on the Serengeti! Cougars, Bears, Bunnies...or the occasional Wolfpack Leader, it's Animal Planet with a disco ball.

Now Alice, I am not a master of the pick up by ANY means, the majority of my conquests have been handpicked by me, on my laptop, but i have had my share of bar/club/lounge encounters to know that there are rules of the attraction.

1. You should dress to impress, while simultaneously, dressing for the venue. - Just because you're hanging at the local dive doesn't mean dirty jeans and you're Best Buy polo shirt are going to work. Wear what makes you look good, but dress appropriately. Brush your hair, show some skin.

If you're at a rock club, why not wear that sexy "Killers" T. Instead of that sweatshirt, i'm sure that black button down makes you look ultra cute. In other words, when in Rome...do the Romans.

2. Show interest without Stalking - Have you ever wondered why the gazelle takes off running, when the lion is chasing it? Yes the lion is a beautiful animal, but wouldn't you run if some 400lb beast were bearing down on you?!

Eye contact is key. Stand in their eye line. Make eye contact, and look away. Make eye contact again, but this time hold it a bit longer, and look away again. The third time, if you hold their gaze add a bit of a smile. IF this is reciprocated, you've just received a green light. If not, its your non verbal cue of "this gazelle is not interested"

3. If you're bold enough to walk up to a potential conquest. ALWAYS APPROACH FROM THE FRONT OR SIDE. Approaching someone from behind is creepy. Think Michael Myers walking behind Jaime Lee Curtis in Halloween. (the original, not that ghastly Rob Zombie remake)

4. Now my next piece of advice, is a double standard. For a man flirting with a woman, besides a handshake, she is NEVER to be touched, first. Am i right. Alice? This can be viewed as offensive or intimidating. Nor should you invade HER personal space. Sexy can quickly turn to sleazy. Let her touch YOU. Let her move into YOUR space bubble.

Now gay men. If by this time you haven't slipped into the bathroom for a hello blow job, and you are still in the flirting stage, a soft, subtle touch is a physical green light. It not only shows your potential suitor you are indeed interested, it also lets other predators checking out your guy that YOU'VE snagged this one.

Now boys don't get crazy. Don't grab his ass, don't try to kiss him, remember you've just met him. SUBTLETY goes a LONG way. I like to do a small touch of his stomach, if he makes a joke. (even if it's not funny) Or lately i've been using "you have great hands for sign language." (while i gently hold their hand) I know...i'm amazing.

5. Last but not least the piece-de-Resistance, the phone number. It is only 10 little digits, but they are so essential to dating. Does a knight forget his sword? Does a scuba diver forget his snorkel? Does a jerk forget his IPhone? NO. So don't forget the number. However you should not ask someone for their number. That's creepy. Instead you should offer to "exchange numbers"

Or if you're a saucy special guest star, you have your business card in your hand and as you're shaking hands goodbye, you discreetly slip it to them.

(and once again, if it's two guys, slipping your number into his front pocket is very sexy. NO FONDLING!)

Alice dahling, you would think by knowing all these rules, I'd have a better dating record...talk about irony.

Oh well.

Happy Holidays Alice, See you at Christmas

Always,

Tae Kennedy

Alice, is there a vaccine for Jungle Fever?

Dear Alice,

What the hell is the big deal with race?!

Race plays more factors in dating and relationships than money/std status/ and credit score combined!

There are people that MIGHT date someone who has herpes, but wouldn't even think twice to say NO, if they were the wrong race! Isn't that outrageous?!

Internet sites (one in particular) have "No white dudes" and "Black and Latinos only" littered on their profiles, it makes me wonder if America puts WAY too much emphasis on something that each of us has no control over.

Ok, now Alice it's no secret the Special Guest Star is a Snow Queen. Which means I like my white boys (and girls when the situation presents itself) But I am equally attracted to my latino brethren, which isn't saying much, because it seems EVERYBODY loves a good latin explosion. I swear Puerto Ricans and Cubans are like white dress shirts...THEY GO WITH EVERYTHING!!!

But I digress.

Taking a look at my track record 2 of my 3 boyfriends were white...and I mean WHITE! As mum once said to me "you like them little white boys don't you?" yes mum i do, and the whiter and skinnier the better. (and any raven haired white girl that SLIGHTLY resembles Catherine Zeta Jones, gets a free pass to Space Mountain)

My last girlfriend was this wierd German Puerto Rican hybrid, and my first boyfriend was full fledge PR. (He had the broken english and foreskin to prove it...)

But for the life of me i've only had that INSANE attraction for ONE black man...

and I've only ever had sex with ONE black man...

and as for boyfriends Marco was black, but can i really call him my boyfriend? That relationship lasted as long as a large Slurpee at 7-11

Now, i know i'm not alone here, there are plenty of other people of color who predominantly date Caucasians...right?

I certainly know there are plenty of white boys who ONLY want black men. and The Kardashian girls seem to be soaking up all the black men they can find...

What's with all the brotha lovahs?!

Granted this infatuation with race seems to be an american phenomenon. European boys are much more flexible with matters of race. American white boys barely even notice me...but you put me in a room with a European boy, and you might as well give us cab fare because we're on our way to my house, and it ain't to play XBOX! (Thank you Simon, keep spinning those records in France! Thank you Henrik, you keep those waters of Denmark safe, and by the way, thanks for the awesome sex)

I don't get it, what's attraction?

Is it visual?... Latin men ARE very sexy.

Is it sensual? ...I've been told that black people taste different than others.

is it chemical? ...White people DO have a particular scent.

I'm stumped...and yet even more intrigued.

Which brings me to the question...what kind of men do you like Alice?

Alice, how closely do you follow "The Code"?

Dearest Alice,

I've had a devil of a weekend. Granted I may have acted hastily, however my instincts are rarely far off. It dawned on my that perhaps two people who i've grown very close to may have developed a fancy for each other.

Normally i would be ecstatic...however this friday, it took all i had to grab my Ralph Lauren over coat and walk away.

You see Alice, I have history with one, and i began, what i thought may have been, a future with the other, so you can imagine my disdain, to find them giggling, and getting to know each other at my expense.

Obviously neither one respected "the code". What code you may ask? Well it's the unwritten code that says you don't go after someone that your friend WAS/IS/or WANTS to be involved with.

That means your friends exes are off limits. Their CURRENT boyfriend or girlfriend is off limits and someone they're looking to date is off limits. You don't go after them and if they come after you, you gracefully decline.

Very simply "Bros over hoes!"

Why people don't understand this is beyond me...

Now Alice, you know me, I was young once, I've made mistakes, and I'm not perfect, even i have been tempted to disobey the code.

It was during my Horsemen days, and i began to develop feelings for my fellow clique members boyfriend...I didn't mean to like him, but i did, and the scary part was I think he encouraged me to like him. I can remember feeling like such a piece of garbage. a) i never wanted to hurt my fellow Horsemen and b) i would never want anyone to do it to me. However, and this is a big however...NOTHING EVER HAPPENED! I suffered in silence, and made no overtures toward him. why? bros over hoes!!

continuing with tales of the Horsemen i can remember a day in 2005 when i had a crush on a certain man, and a horsemen who shall remain nameles :::COUGH Ian COUGH::::: went out of his way to go after him. It wasn't enough that Ian, i mean :::cough Ian cough::::: was sleeping with half of new york. He had to go after THIS guy simply because I wanted him. Incidentally that was the last time, I marched to a location with the full intent to whip someone's ass.

Betrayal infuriates me, Alice. It infuriates me.

Until We Chat Again,

Teddy

Alice, I think i'm Sick of being a "Special Guest Star"

Dearest Alice,

My entire life, i've wanted to "go where everybody knows my name". Parties, Clubs, Off-Broadway, TV, Internet, Films. Cheerleading. Martial Arts, Sign Language. I've done so much just to be "out there". But I never stay...

I come, I do my thing be it good or bad, and then i leave. It's how i got the nickname "Special Guest Star" in the first place. But As i get older, Alice...I think i'm sick of being The Guest Star.

I want to settle down and be a PERMANENT Cast Member.

Just today, i had to say good bye to some people i cared very deeply about, because my job has taken me elsewhere. It reminded me of a time not so long ago when i had to say good bye to a co-star I Loved...which reminded me of having to say good bye to a cheating boyfriend who I loved. Which reminded me of having to say good bye to a sport I loved.

Alice, as a person with abandonment issues i sure seem to be saying a hell of a lot of farewells.

All I'm saying is, it would be a pleasant change of pace to say "Hello Dahling" as opposed to good bye.

Thanks For listening Alice

Love Always,

The (lonely) Special Guest Star.

Alice, I'm officially done with Gay Porn.

Dear Alice,

Have you heard? Of Course you have, you're the all knowing, all seeing Alice. I think a better question is, can you believe it?

Jason Adonis has left gay porn!!!! As my goddaughter would say OMG! As my nephew would say WTF?! (and i pray that neither my niece nor nephew is watching gay porn, but i digress)

Jason Adonis, star of Falcon Studios has decided to hang up his hat, although oddly that's the one article of clothing, he's NEVER worn. So i suppose a better analogy would be he's hanging up his lube. Jason is a not-so-rare breed of performers who is straight, but does gay porn. This phenomenon is known as gay-for-pay.

Why would a straight man pretend to be gay...because 3x anything is good shit!

Straight porn actors can make $1,000 a scene where as gay porn actors can make $3,000.

Jason, has a wife and child at home, but yet has made a killing in such films as Taking FLight and The Farmer's Son.

In my opinion, There is a gay porn trifecta. 1)Dean Monroe, the best bottom in the business, who's never shied away from a double anal scene. (yes, you read that correctly. It's like watching "the Exorcist" directors cut) 2)Zeb Atlas, the sexiest Top in the business. Imagine 250 pounds of solid muscle tossing you around like a shark attack. and of course 3)Jason Adonis, who recently entered the murky waters of being Versatile (giving and receiving during anal sex).

Personally i don't believe in versatility. You should be a top or bottom, and never the twain shall meet, but then again, no one would be pay a chicken dinner at Popeyes' to see me naked so I digress)

I think a good top should have a great ass, which Jason does (J-Lo wishes she had jason's basketball butt) because while he's pounding away, we should have something to look at. However for purely financial reason's Jason, in a one time only stunt, decided to bottom, and that was only after his fee was DOUBLED!!

And now the trifecta is broken?!!! no more Jason? Alice what will i do? Zeb can't be in EVERY movie, and Dean can only take but so much. (granted he has a jaw like an anaconda, but i digress)

Alice, I am officially banning gay porn in my home, until Jason returns to his throne. Would i watch All My Children if Susan Lucci left? Would anyone watch Jeopardy if Alex Trebeck departed? If Kathy Griffin left the D-List, would we even be bothered?...The answer? HELL NO!!!

So Are you with me Alice? Are you with me...Alice? Dahling?...Alice are you listening?

for god sake's Alice turn that damn Best of Jason Adonis dvd off, have you heard a bloody word I've said?!!!

Fine, I'll leave you be.

Have a good night,

Sincerely,

Teddy DeRothchild (that's my porn star name)

Alice, you look brilliant! I hardly recognize the new you

Dear Alice,
On this, the eve of Madonna's birthday, all i want to talk about is reinvention.
We all know that Madonna is the queen of reinvention, but what we all might not know is one tiny change can make a LASTING impression.
A change of hair color, a new clique to hang out with, losing an accent...(ahem)
When a battered wife leaves her husband and dates a younger man...she has reinvented her image.
When a scrawny teenager enters the gym and pumps iron and emerges an Abercrombie model...he has reinvented his image.
When the ugly duckling ditches her glasses for contact lenses and drops 50 pounds...she has now become the beautiful swan. Alice dahling, she has reinvented!!!
Granted those are all physical, and those are the easiest to change. But an aesthetic reinvention, must be accompanied by a mental reinvention.

You can't change the label and keep the same old product. Think a bit differently, act a bit differently. Process things a bit differently. You'd be surprised at how the world looks standing from another angle.

and if it doesn't work out, you can always go back to your old self, but you owe it to yourself to experience new things, new people, new ideas.

Look at Madonna, she's changed more times than a chameleon. Do you remember the Asian years, complete with Red leather Kimono? Or take Queen Latifah, eventually she went from Jersey round-the-way girl, to Jazz crooner and Oscar nominee.

and its not just celebrities, December 31, 2002 an average bloke went to sleep, and on January 1, 2003, The Horsemen incarnate awakened. Suits, ties, watches, shoes, parties...dahling, I was reinvented.

So, go ahead, take that yoga class, get those hair extensions, redecorate that living room, date that younger man, move to that new town, wear that black mini skirt...

you owe it to herself, and I've got your back, and so does Madonna.

Reinvention Tea...now that tastes, oh so good.

Until Next time Alice,
Love,

Teddy

Alice, is it all just a little bit of history repeating?

Dear Alice,

I'm dreadfully worried for the children. There's a trend slowly making a comeback, and unfortunately i'm not speaking of skinny jeans and Fedora hats. (although if you ask me, both of those trends need to be put out to pasture) The trend i'm referring to is unprotected sex.

People have become "condom fatigued".

I know you're asking "where is all this coming from?" Well, i saw this film today "Sex Positive" it was a documentary about the beginning of the AIDS Epidemic and how safe sex was thought of as WEIRD. Using condoms (back in the 70's and 80's) was like using a fork to eat soup. It took years for the government to sanction a "safe sex" protocal after AIDS came to prominence. You would think people would quickly jump on the band wagon. Oh contraire! The straights thought it was a gay disease, and the gays were still living a promiscuous lifestyle. They didn't want to use condoms...

Sadly 26 years, they're still not using condoms.

Alice, i think i know what's causing all this. The kids today are very visual. They have music videos, Xbox, and I- phones. (as a child of the 80's i can remember a time when PONG was revolutionary, and a music video was a NEW thing) They have never known a time when HIV meds didn't exist. They've never seen someone die of AIDS. To teens, if they get HIV, they'll just pop a pill and be fine. You can even see this mindset on pharmacutical ads for HIV meds, all the models are muscular men in tight tank tops. as an average looking man who struggles with his weight, i would love to be a beefy muscular bloke. So all i have to do is take that pill?

I was born in the early 80's, AIDS become real when legendary actor Rock Hudson died of it. Anyone under 25 will probably not even know who Rock Hudson is. Rock was a gorgeous movie star of the 50s and 60s. In the 70's he moved to tv and was still hot, then in the 80's he was on the most popluar show ever, Dynasty. Rock was THE MAN. For you Late 80's babies, he was Brad Pitt. For you 90's babies he was Zac Efron. We saw a gorgeous man literally become a skeleton. The only celebrity children now a days know with HIV is Magic Johnson, who is still alive and well, owns a chain of movie theatres, a starbucks, and has a wife and children. A very different image than Rock Hudson, dying on national television.

Kids just don't care about history. how do i know this, you ask? Alice dahling, there were only 8 people in the theatre with me, and i'm 28 years old...i was the youngest person there. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Now Alice, i'm not saying i'm an angel, far from it. As i type this, every 40 seconds, Images of making love to my boyfriend enter my mind. Abstinence is just not realistic, but i love him enough to want to protect him. Even if i didn't love him, I love myself enough to want to keep me around (at least until Madonna releases her next album).

Alice, I'm afraid that it's all just a little bit of history repeating...the swinging sexy 70's are back...but doesn't anyone remember AIDS in the 80's?

If we can revamp 90210 and we can revamp Melrose Place...can't someone revamp safe sex?

I hope we sexual beings can get our act together, sooner rather than later.

Until Next time Alice,

Be Healthy, Be Happy... Be Safe.

All My Love,

The Guest Star.

Alice, I hope none of my nephews are gay...am i wrong?

Dearest Alice,

As I sit here on my bathroom floor, listening to "Seether", waiting for your sister Victoria to pick me up, I'm troubled by the idea that one day, I will hear the words "Uncle Teddy... I'm gay"

I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy, let alone a member of my wolfpack, does that make me a bad person?

It's not so much the lifestyle itself, it's the misery...

it's the heartache...

it's the eternal unhappiness, that every queer boy feels for the majority of their adult life, it's only a lucky few who escapes this.

I'd be heartbroken if one of my wolfpack was sentenced to this inevitability.

Alice, look at their choices, stoned Crystal Meth queen, swishy GURRRLfriend, DL Homeboy, or even worse for one of them to end up like me. a 28 year old psuedo celebrity who cries on his bathroom floor because he may or may not have been broken up with via Facebook.

I've taught them how to speak, how to read, how to dress, how to pass algebra...but how do I teach them, to run as fast as they can from something I've made look so bloody glamorous, and that they won't see coming, until it's too late?

well well well, there's the dizziness, i've become all too familiar with, that can only mean your sister has arrived...

Until Next Time Alice,

Teddy

Alice, What has Michelle Obama been smoking?

Dear Alice,

What is up with your girl Michelle Obama? I realize she's only recently been plucked out of the 'hood, and is still getting use to her new profession, but I can not condone Moesha Obama's latest faux pas. It was such a travesty, I assumed I was being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher, then i realized...i don't know Asthon Kutcher. Could Michelle Obama be dim enough to lay her arm across my queen?!

Has no one sat down with this woman, and given her a copy of "First Lady for Dummies"? There's a little thing called protocal when meeting the queen, could none of Barack's homeboys inform Michelle of the rights and wrongs when meeting a REAL female authority figure?

Then, as if that wasn't enough, I read that Michelle has employed a FULL TIME Make Up artist and Hair dresser to travel with her at all times. WHAT?! So Michelle has upgraded from KMart Ho, to Drag Queen?

It's good to see that while we're in a recession Mama Obama is spending my stimulus cheque on fake eyelashes and CoverGirl.

I wonder if it's too late, to get Michelle Obama on VH1's next edition of Charm School.

Until Next Time Alice,

The Special Guest Star has spoken

Alice, my phone call to Sarah Palin

My Dahling Alice,

As you Know, Barack Obama has just been elected to the Presidency. I felt it only cordial to call Sarah Palin, and express my sportmanship...

Sarah Palin: Hidee-ho!
Teddy : Governor Palin, it's me Teddy. How are you, dahling?
Sarah Palin: oh hi there, Teddy. I've been better dontcha know. I guess you heard the news there.
Teddy: I have, Governor Palin...I guess I'm going to have to take down all these "Palin is my Homegirl" posters.
Sarah Palin: oh yeah, and I just wantcha to know, how much I enjoyed being your homegirl, even though I don't really know what a "homegirl" is.
and by the way, there, Teddy. We've been friends for a while now, you don't have to call me Governor Palin...
Teddy: Oh, ok...
Sara Palin: Please feel free to call me M.I.L.F...
Teddy: oh
Sarah Palin: So did you hear John's Concession speech?
Teddy : I did...well bits and pieces. I really couldn't hear that well
Sarah Palin: oh really why not?
Teddy: well, every black person in new York was screaming and jumping up and down, it was a bit difficult to hear.
Sarah Palin: oh, I feel ya home skillet.
Teddy : So how are you taking this? You still have Alaska...
Sarah Palin: ha...Teddy between you and me...(whispering) I'm not going back to Alaska. Ha...wild democrats couldn't drag me back to that frozen crap-fest.
all they've got is Hockey and Northern Exposure reruns...They don't even show Top Model, that Miss J. is a real hoot!
Teddy: hey, Sarah?
Sarah Palin: M.I.L.F...
Teddy : sorry, M.I.L.F? what's the difference between Hockey Moms and pitbulls...
Sarah Palin: Lipstick. ha ha ha, you always know how to cheer me up Teddy. Hey, what's the difference between Bisexuals and Santa's Reindeer?
Teddy: What?
Sarah Palin: Reindeer actually exist.....
Teddy: huh?
Sarah Palin : Maverick...
Teddy : um...yeah...so
Sarah Palin: so I guess you're happy to have your first black president there, Teddy?
Teddy : well, it's nice to have change. But honestly it's not that big a deal. When they have a British-Dominican, then I'll be impressed...
Sarah Palin: Say, I'm running for president in 2012, why dontcha come be my Vice?
Teddy : Really? you want me as your Vice President?!
Sarah Palin : Ha there you go makin' jokes again... I meant who has more vices than my favorite slut. I couldn't have you as my vice president, do you know
anything about Foreign Policy?
Teddy: ...well....I sleep with a lot of European guys?
Sarah Palin : works for me, dontcha know. If I can see Russia from my house, you can see Europe with your legs up in the air!
Teddy : uh, Sarah, I'm a TOP.
Sarah Palin: ha ha ha, you and your jokes Teddy you're killin me over here.
Teddy: Well I better let you get back to your media coverage, and I just want you to know, I think you would have made a fine Vice President.
Sarah Palin: and I just want you to know, if I condoned you're lifestyle, and accepted your choices, and valued you as a human being and not a sexual deviant, you'd make a fine...associate.
Teddy: Uh, thanks...I think
Sarah Palin: maverick...
Teddy: Well bye Sarah...
Sarah Palin: It's M.I.L.F, hold on John wants to say hi...
Teddy: No...no..please
John McCain : (feeble voice) hhh hello...
Teddy: hello Senator McCain, that was a fine concession speech.
John McCain: huh? Beach...I'm not at the beach.
Teddy : No dahling, SPEECH! A fine SPEECH!!!
John McCain: what's that now...Kind Reach? I'm sorry young fellow, my arms don't go that high. I was a P.O.W. back in the day...
Teddy: no...I said....oh screw it, put Sarah back on the phone....
(loud snoring)
Teddy: Senator McCain? (snoring) senator?!
Sarah Palin: hey there, Teddy. John fell asleep. it's way past his bed time.
Teddy :oh ok, well bye....oh wait, before I go did your daughter Bristol get the baby shower gift I sent her?
Sarah Palin: she sure did. and she loved it! and as soon as I have it fumigated and deloused, I'm sure the baby's going to love it too...say, there was a sterling silver
ring in there. What was that?
Teddy: oh...uh that's not for Bristol, that's for you oldest son, Track...
Sarah Palin: well, teddy it's a lovely ring, but I'm afraid its way too big to fit on his finger.
Teddy: no..it's not a ring for his finger. It's a... cock ring.
Sarah Palin: well that's the silliest thing I ever heard, who needs a ring for their Clock?
Teddy: No...it's not a ring for his clock, it's a ring for his...
Sarah Palin: Maverick. (CLICK)

Until Next time Alice,

Teddy THE SGS

Alice, What does it mean when he says...?

My Dearest Alice,

Dating is all bullshit!!! It is! From the first date everything said is 90% bullshit...and I'm going to tell you the real deal. This is what "Let's be friends" and "it's not you it's me" really means.

"It's not you, it's me"
Actually It is you, i just don't want to be with you, but I'm trying to make myself the villain and make you hate me.

"I love you...but I'm not in love with you"
I don't want to be with you like I USED to...but i will still shag you if I'm desperate enough.

"let's be friends"
I don't like you like that, I've found someone new, but I'm too cowardly to tell you. However I want you to see me with my new boyrfriend/Girlfriend.

"If you knew the real me, you wouldn't want to date me"
I JUST DON"T LIKE YOU, but Im trying to make myself less attractive in your eyes.

"I don't like to kiss"
I don't find you attractive enough to kiss.

"I don't want anything serious"/ "I'm not ready for a relationship"
I only want to have sex with you, maybe once or maybe repeatedly but that's it.

"let's open things up" /"I think we should see other people"
i've all ready met someone else, but i have to ditch you first...however i want to keep you close enough if things don't work out.

(after sex) "I have to get up early for work tomorrow"
a)GO HOME!!! I don't want you in my bed!!! or
b)I want to go home, and no, I don't want to cuddle.

"You have nice eyes"
You're ugly and this is the best thing i can come up with.

"Do you want a massage?"
I want to have sex with you, i just don't know how to say it.

"Where's (insert your best looking girlfriend)? or "Invite (insert friend's name) to the party"
I find your friend attractive and i want to screw them behind your back.

"Have you ever thought about a threesome?"
sex with you is getting a bit boring, plus I'm attracted to this other person that you know.

"I like you like a brother/sister"
I'm not attracted to you, but i will let you buy me stuff and take me out.

"Call Me After 9p.m."
a) I'm too cheap to get a real phone plan. or
b)you're not worth wasting my daytime minutes.

"You can't call my house" or "I have a roommate we can't go back to my place"
a) I still live with my mama
b) I have a girlfriend
c) My family doesn't know I'm gay
or d) a combination of all three

and last but not least
"I only like anal sex"
(If your girl says this...check the front door)
Because it's a man!!!

Until Next time,

Teddy, The Special Guest Star

Alice, are you a sinner?

Dear Alice,

Did you know there are deadly sins of sex?

LUST - it's a tough one, i know, but you must resist this temptation. No LUST! So stop pining after that straight boy (guilty) Stop stalking that cheerleader (guilty) Stop swooning over that married bloke (guilty) it'll get you no where, except on the wrong end of a restraining order.

LIES - Yes thats right, no lying when it comes to sex. It's Futile! Don't tell someone you're swinging 10 inches of kielbasa when in fact you're closer to 3 inches of Vienna sausage, cuz when ya get naked, your goose is cooked mate! And don't say you've only had 5 partners when in fact its actually SIXTY five! *The worst lie of them all is "I was drunk" that's bollocks!!! as the old Latin addage goes "En Vino Veritas" Truth in Wine. That means, when you're drinking you do, say, and shag exactly want you want!

Selfishness - unless you're masturbating, sex is about dual satisfaction. (unless you're in an orgy) So stop being so bloody selfish. Just because you've blown your wad all over the blanket, drapes and ceiling fan doesn't mean you get to roll over and go to sleep. HELP YOUR PARTNER OUT. We all just want to get this over with!!!

REGRET- aw, poor baby. Do you regret that drunken shag? You regret that booty call that's not so attractive in sunlight? Well too F'in bad!!! Deal with it, you're a grown up. Suck it up and move on! You weren't belly achin' when you were poking that walrus, so don't complain now!!!

BEDHOPPING- Sex is not an all you can eat buffet. Just because there are a lot of flavors out there doesn't mean you have to dip your spoon into each one. More than 2 members of the same family is ENOUGH! More than 2 atheletes from the same team, ENOUGH! screwed all your friends, roommates and girlfriend's family, IT"S ENOUGH!!! Calm down! orgamsms aren't fertilizer, no need to spread em from East to West!

Oral Prohibition (no oral sex) - To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, WHAT?!!! I hear this alot, girls who don't go down, and guys who are "too macho" to eat. Have you lost your bloody mind? You won't pass the course if you don't complete the oral! Listen, willies were made to be sucked! And everytime you don't...a kitten, goes blind! and Pus*y was made to be eaten, Hey I do it, and it's great, it kinda tastes like chicken. (which is probably why black men love it so much, they just won't admit it)

and last but not least...
Cleanliness - before you commence the above act, remember, Cleanliness is next to godliness. Before anyone goes down on you, make sure that shit sparkles! I'm talking about Joan Crawford on her hands and knees screaming "YOU SCRUB THIS!!!!!"

Sincerely,

Teddy DeHaviland

Alice, I can't come out to my barber!

Dear Alice,

Everyone who knows me, knows two things...1)I’m really tall and 2) I’m not exactly straight. In all honestly when you have the word bisexual tattooed on your arm, you’re really not trying to hide it.
But there’s one person that i just can’t seem to come out to...
No it’s not my mum, she’s not thrilled, but she knows. My neices and nephews know, they actually use me for dating advice. My directors know...well, after I’ve finished my final scene that is. The one person i can’t come out to is...my barber. Yes, the man who cuts my hair.

Ya see, my barber is a true RASTAFARIAN! Long dreds, full bushy unkept beard, and he always smells of ganja. Hard core Jamaican straight out of the bush. Despite his unkept appearence, the man makes me look FLAWLESS! He is a maestro of hair, a picasso when it comes to a cut. When i look good, he’s 85% of the reason. Unfortunately he is the biggest chauvanist, racist, and homophobe I’ve ever meant. He firmly believes that the white man is out to kill every person of color, ALL women are whores, and that gays are the devil!

When I’m there, I say as little as possible, slouch in my chair, never cross my legs, when a song i fancy comes on the radio I bop my head Up and Down, thug style, and don’t shake my shoulders butch-queen style. I never show my flashy phone (made exclusively by Swarovski, just for me) and all of my girly ringtones are set to vibrate. i don’t need this dude mucking up my hair on purpose.

while i was getting my haircut today, a news story come on the telly, about a man being pregnant. Well my barber quickly launched into his tirade, this time, the target was the gays. "batty boy" this and "bumbooclat" that. As he went off, i just sat there slightly quivering, failing to make eye contact hoping none of the other barbers or thug homies would catch on to my queerness.
Normally when some git goes mad, and attacks my sexuality, i firmly put them in their place, but bloody hell he was only 3 quarters done with my hair, and a bitch need to look good this weekend!! So I sat there...perfectly still, sort of like a mouse in a cage with a boa constrictor.
and lo and behold, when he was done with his tirade, AND my haircut...I looked marvelous! So which is more important, looking good, or standing up for who I am...?

are you stupid?! I’m a celebrity. He could stab my grandmother, call her a nigger-spic and kick her dog...as long as he keeps me looking good, I don’t give a shit!

Sincerely,

The Afro Glamurai

Alice, Have you seen Noah's Arc?

Dear Alice,

For the past week, I have seen hourly ads, on LOGO promoting the arriving Feature Film of the hit series Noah's Arc.

What is Noah's Arc, first of all, shame on you!

Second of all it's a show chronicling the lives of 4 gay black men and their significant others, living in Los Angeles.

It's been billed as a cross between Queer As Folk, Soul Food, Sex and the City and Girlfriends. While the show is WILDLY entertaining. I must say it's as far away from REALITY as a show can get.

a) It's nothing like Queer As Folk. (i was a huge fan of that show which was EQUALLY unrealistic....5 seasons and only 2 black guys, and never ONCE was their a hispanic guy? What's a Black Dominican like myself to think...)

Queer as Folk showed their sex scenes, Noah's Arc does not. (besides Noah and Wade in episodes One and the Series Finale) This is largely due to the differing Networks, as an Actor I understand that, but what i don't understand is why Noah and Ricky get 90 percent of the sex scenes when they only make up roughly 20 percent of the full cast.

This brings me to my MAJOR gripe with Noah's Arc, Alice. These characters are so unbelievable!!! Don't get me wrong, i was breast fed while mummy watched Dynasty, so I appreciate campiness, but this isn't a soap opera. it's suppose to be a realistic depiction of Gay Black America... (why else would Alex greet everyone with "Hey gir'" not to mention that flawless episode with the Voguing Ball)

1)First and Foremost, That Big Ol' queen Alex, would NEVER be paired with that gorgeous Masculine brick wall of sexiness that is Trey. it just doesn't happen. On Noah's Arc, they're shown as a loving out and proud married couple. Are you kidding me? Be real, the slightest bit of fem, makes the masculine boys run. I'm suppose to believe Alex could land Trey? are you mad?!! This is LOGO, not Ripley's Believe it or Not!!!
Real World - Trey and Alex would have hooked up for some late night booty calls, but theres no way Alex would be made wifey. Trey would have been after Wade. no fats no Fems, there's a reason why that term is so prevalent.

2) Noah is just as cute as a button, isn't he? But would one night of shagging really make a confused boy like Wade turn completely queer? Wow, that's a quick turnaround (no pun intended). Most guys (like Wade) struggle with their sexuality before coming out. Apparently Noah has a million dollar Man-gina.
REAL WORLD - Wade would have shagged Noah and not called him the next day.

3)Close to 49% of Black Men who sleep with men have the HIV Virus. Am i the only one who found it weird that it was Junito who had it? The little spanish boy, but not one of the black boys? and out of the 2 seasons of Noah's Arc only 3 people were depicted as being HIV positive...in LOS ANGELES?! That was Junito and two boys in Alex's STD center. (and if you don't remember them, don't feel bad, i got up to get a sandwich and missed them completely, they had less screen time that Mariah Carey's film "Glitter")

4)Noah is SO in love with Wade, that he sleeps with someone he JUST met, at a hook-up party? (A party he wasn't even attending.) Chance's boyfriend Cheated on him as well, and Wade turns around and cheats on his new boyfriend with NOAH!!! Does no one care about their spouses?!!! Are there no consequences for infidelity? Noah was actually REWARDED. He got THREE new boyfriends.
REAL WORLD - Somebody would have gotten their ass wooped.

5) it's Los Angeles, not Compton, where the hell are all the white people?
This list could go on and on, but i will say one ACCURATE and REALISTIC depiction of Noah's Arc would have to be the character of Ricky.
Alice, you know that there are more RICKY's in this world, than Wade's and Trey's put together. Fuck first, ask questions later...and sometimes, they don't even ask questions. Hat's off to you Ricky (Christian Vincent) for the most believeable, sluttiest, performance in both seasons.

With all this said, I have seen every episode, I own both seasons on DVD and I will also be front and center on it's opening day to watch the film. (AS SHOULD YOU!) Realistic or not, I know entertainment and Noah's Arc is an entertaining programme.

Until next time Dahling,

Cheers!