Alice, What has Michelle Obama been smoking?

Dear Alice,

What is up with your girl Michelle Obama? I realize she's only recently been plucked out of the 'hood, and is still getting use to her new profession, but I can not condone Moesha Obama's latest faux pas. It was such a travesty, I assumed I was being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher, then i realized...i don't know Asthon Kutcher. Could Michelle Obama be dim enough to lay her arm across my queen?!

Has no one sat down with this woman, and given her a copy of "First Lady for Dummies"? There's a little thing called protocal when meeting the queen, could none of Barack's homeboys inform Michelle of the rights and wrongs when meeting a REAL female authority figure?

Then, as if that wasn't enough, I read that Michelle has employed a FULL TIME Make Up artist and Hair dresser to travel with her at all times. WHAT?! So Michelle has upgraded from KMart Ho, to Drag Queen?

It's good to see that while we're in a recession Mama Obama is spending my stimulus cheque on fake eyelashes and CoverGirl.

I wonder if it's too late, to get Michelle Obama on VH1's next edition of Charm School.

Until Next Time Alice,

The Special Guest Star has spoken

Alice, my phone call to Sarah Palin

My Dahling Alice,

As you Know, Barack Obama has just been elected to the Presidency. I felt it only cordial to call Sarah Palin, and express my sportmanship...

Sarah Palin: Hidee-ho!
Teddy : Governor Palin, it's me Teddy. How are you, dahling?
Sarah Palin: oh hi there, Teddy. I've been better dontcha know. I guess you heard the news there.
Teddy: I have, Governor Palin...I guess I'm going to have to take down all these "Palin is my Homegirl" posters.
Sarah Palin: oh yeah, and I just wantcha to know, how much I enjoyed being your homegirl, even though I don't really know what a "homegirl" is.
and by the way, there, Teddy. We've been friends for a while now, you don't have to call me Governor Palin...
Teddy: Oh, ok...
Sara Palin: Please feel free to call me M.I.L.F...
Teddy: oh
Sarah Palin: So did you hear John's Concession speech?
Teddy : I did...well bits and pieces. I really couldn't hear that well
Sarah Palin: oh really why not?
Teddy: well, every black person in new York was screaming and jumping up and down, it was a bit difficult to hear.
Sarah Palin: oh, I feel ya home skillet.
Teddy : So how are you taking this? You still have Alaska...
Sarah Palin: ha...Teddy between you and me...(whispering) I'm not going back to Alaska. Ha...wild democrats couldn't drag me back to that frozen crap-fest.
all they've got is Hockey and Northern Exposure reruns...They don't even show Top Model, that Miss J. is a real hoot!
Teddy: hey, Sarah?
Sarah Palin: M.I.L.F...
Teddy : sorry, M.I.L.F? what's the difference between Hockey Moms and pitbulls...
Sarah Palin: Lipstick. ha ha ha, you always know how to cheer me up Teddy. Hey, what's the difference between Bisexuals and Santa's Reindeer?
Teddy: What?
Sarah Palin: Reindeer actually exist.....
Teddy: huh?
Sarah Palin : Maverick...
Teddy : um...yeah...so
Sarah Palin: so I guess you're happy to have your first black president there, Teddy?
Teddy : well, it's nice to have change. But honestly it's not that big a deal. When they have a British-Dominican, then I'll be impressed...
Sarah Palin: Say, I'm running for president in 2012, why dontcha come be my Vice?
Teddy : Really? you want me as your Vice President?!
Sarah Palin : Ha there you go makin' jokes again... I meant who has more vices than my favorite slut. I couldn't have you as my vice president, do you know
anything about Foreign Policy?
Teddy: ...well....I sleep with a lot of European guys?
Sarah Palin : works for me, dontcha know. If I can see Russia from my house, you can see Europe with your legs up in the air!
Teddy : uh, Sarah, I'm a TOP.
Sarah Palin: ha ha ha, you and your jokes Teddy you're killin me over here.
Teddy: Well I better let you get back to your media coverage, and I just want you to know, I think you would have made a fine Vice President.
Sarah Palin: and I just want you to know, if I condoned you're lifestyle, and accepted your choices, and valued you as a human being and not a sexual deviant, you'd make a fine...associate.
Teddy: Uh, thanks...I think
Sarah Palin: maverick...
Teddy: Well bye Sarah...
Sarah Palin: It's M.I.L.F, hold on John wants to say hi...
Teddy: No...no..please
John McCain : (feeble voice) hhh hello...
Teddy: hello Senator McCain, that was a fine concession speech.
John McCain: huh? Beach...I'm not at the beach.
Teddy : No dahling, SPEECH! A fine SPEECH!!!
John McCain: what's that now...Kind Reach? I'm sorry young fellow, my arms don't go that high. I was a P.O.W. back in the day...
Teddy: no...I said....oh screw it, put Sarah back on the phone....
(loud snoring)
Teddy: Senator McCain? (snoring) senator?!
Sarah Palin: hey there, Teddy. John fell asleep. it's way past his bed time.
Teddy :oh ok, well bye....oh wait, before I go did your daughter Bristol get the baby shower gift I sent her?
Sarah Palin: she sure did. and she loved it! and as soon as I have it fumigated and deloused, I'm sure the baby's going to love it too...say, there was a sterling silver
ring in there. What was that?
Teddy: oh...uh that's not for Bristol, that's for you oldest son, Track...
Sarah Palin: well, teddy it's a lovely ring, but I'm afraid its way too big to fit on his finger.
Teddy: no..it's not a ring for his finger. It's a... cock ring.
Sarah Palin: well that's the silliest thing I ever heard, who needs a ring for their Clock?
Teddy: No...it's not a ring for his clock, it's a ring for his...
Sarah Palin: Maverick. (CLICK)

Until Next time Alice,

Teddy THE SGS

Alice, What does it mean when he says...?

My Dearest Alice,

Dating is all bullshit!!! It is! From the first date everything said is 90% bullshit...and I'm going to tell you the real deal. This is what "Let's be friends" and "it's not you it's me" really means.

"It's not you, it's me"
Actually It is you, i just don't want to be with you, but I'm trying to make myself the villain and make you hate me.

"I love you...but I'm not in love with you"
I don't want to be with you like I USED to...but i will still shag you if I'm desperate enough.

"let's be friends"
I don't like you like that, I've found someone new, but I'm too cowardly to tell you. However I want you to see me with my new boyrfriend/Girlfriend.

"If you knew the real me, you wouldn't want to date me"
I JUST DON"T LIKE YOU, but Im trying to make myself less attractive in your eyes.

"I don't like to kiss"
I don't find you attractive enough to kiss.

"I don't want anything serious"/ "I'm not ready for a relationship"
I only want to have sex with you, maybe once or maybe repeatedly but that's it.

"let's open things up" /"I think we should see other people"
i've all ready met someone else, but i have to ditch you first...however i want to keep you close enough if things don't work out.

(after sex) "I have to get up early for work tomorrow"
a)GO HOME!!! I don't want you in my bed!!! or
b)I want to go home, and no, I don't want to cuddle.

"You have nice eyes"
You're ugly and this is the best thing i can come up with.

"Do you want a massage?"
I want to have sex with you, i just don't know how to say it.

"Where's (insert your best looking girlfriend)? or "Invite (insert friend's name) to the party"
I find your friend attractive and i want to screw them behind your back.

"Have you ever thought about a threesome?"
sex with you is getting a bit boring, plus I'm attracted to this other person that you know.

"I like you like a brother/sister"
I'm not attracted to you, but i will let you buy me stuff and take me out.

"Call Me After 9p.m."
a) I'm too cheap to get a real phone plan. or
b)you're not worth wasting my daytime minutes.

"You can't call my house" or "I have a roommate we can't go back to my place"
a) I still live with my mama
b) I have a girlfriend
c) My family doesn't know I'm gay
or d) a combination of all three

and last but not least
"I only like anal sex"
(If your girl says this...check the front door)
Because it's a man!!!

Until Next time,

Teddy, The Special Guest Star

Alice, are you a sinner?

Dear Alice,

Did you know there are deadly sins of sex?

LUST - it's a tough one, i know, but you must resist this temptation. No LUST! So stop pining after that straight boy (guilty) Stop stalking that cheerleader (guilty) Stop swooning over that married bloke (guilty) it'll get you no where, except on the wrong end of a restraining order.

LIES - Yes thats right, no lying when it comes to sex. It's Futile! Don't tell someone you're swinging 10 inches of kielbasa when in fact you're closer to 3 inches of Vienna sausage, cuz when ya get naked, your goose is cooked mate! And don't say you've only had 5 partners when in fact its actually SIXTY five! *The worst lie of them all is "I was drunk" that's bollocks!!! as the old Latin addage goes "En Vino Veritas" Truth in Wine. That means, when you're drinking you do, say, and shag exactly want you want!

Selfishness - unless you're masturbating, sex is about dual satisfaction. (unless you're in an orgy) So stop being so bloody selfish. Just because you've blown your wad all over the blanket, drapes and ceiling fan doesn't mean you get to roll over and go to sleep. HELP YOUR PARTNER OUT. We all just want to get this over with!!!

REGRET- aw, poor baby. Do you regret that drunken shag? You regret that booty call that's not so attractive in sunlight? Well too F'in bad!!! Deal with it, you're a grown up. Suck it up and move on! You weren't belly achin' when you were poking that walrus, so don't complain now!!!

BEDHOPPING- Sex is not an all you can eat buffet. Just because there are a lot of flavors out there doesn't mean you have to dip your spoon into each one. More than 2 members of the same family is ENOUGH! More than 2 atheletes from the same team, ENOUGH! screwed all your friends, roommates and girlfriend's family, IT"S ENOUGH!!! Calm down! orgamsms aren't fertilizer, no need to spread em from East to West!

Oral Prohibition (no oral sex) - To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, WHAT?!!! I hear this alot, girls who don't go down, and guys who are "too macho" to eat. Have you lost your bloody mind? You won't pass the course if you don't complete the oral! Listen, willies were made to be sucked! And everytime you don't...a kitten, goes blind! and Pus*y was made to be eaten, Hey I do it, and it's great, it kinda tastes like chicken. (which is probably why black men love it so much, they just won't admit it)

and last but not least...
Cleanliness - before you commence the above act, remember, Cleanliness is next to godliness. Before anyone goes down on you, make sure that shit sparkles! I'm talking about Joan Crawford on her hands and knees screaming "YOU SCRUB THIS!!!!!"

Sincerely,

Teddy DeHaviland

Alice, I can't come out to my barber!

Dear Alice,

Everyone who knows me, knows two things...1)I’m really tall and 2) I’m not exactly straight. In all honestly when you have the word bisexual tattooed on your arm, you’re really not trying to hide it.
But there’s one person that i just can’t seem to come out to...
No it’s not my mum, she’s not thrilled, but she knows. My neices and nephews know, they actually use me for dating advice. My directors know...well, after I’ve finished my final scene that is. The one person i can’t come out to is...my barber. Yes, the man who cuts my hair.

Ya see, my barber is a true RASTAFARIAN! Long dreds, full bushy unkept beard, and he always smells of ganja. Hard core Jamaican straight out of the bush. Despite his unkept appearence, the man makes me look FLAWLESS! He is a maestro of hair, a picasso when it comes to a cut. When i look good, he’s 85% of the reason. Unfortunately he is the biggest chauvanist, racist, and homophobe I’ve ever meant. He firmly believes that the white man is out to kill every person of color, ALL women are whores, and that gays are the devil!

When I’m there, I say as little as possible, slouch in my chair, never cross my legs, when a song i fancy comes on the radio I bop my head Up and Down, thug style, and don’t shake my shoulders butch-queen style. I never show my flashy phone (made exclusively by Swarovski, just for me) and all of my girly ringtones are set to vibrate. i don’t need this dude mucking up my hair on purpose.

while i was getting my haircut today, a news story come on the telly, about a man being pregnant. Well my barber quickly launched into his tirade, this time, the target was the gays. "batty boy" this and "bumbooclat" that. As he went off, i just sat there slightly quivering, failing to make eye contact hoping none of the other barbers or thug homies would catch on to my queerness.
Normally when some git goes mad, and attacks my sexuality, i firmly put them in their place, but bloody hell he was only 3 quarters done with my hair, and a bitch need to look good this weekend!! So I sat there...perfectly still, sort of like a mouse in a cage with a boa constrictor.
and lo and behold, when he was done with his tirade, AND my haircut...I looked marvelous! So which is more important, looking good, or standing up for who I am...?

are you stupid?! I’m a celebrity. He could stab my grandmother, call her a nigger-spic and kick her dog...as long as he keeps me looking good, I don’t give a shit!

Sincerely,

The Afro Glamurai

Alice, Have you seen Noah's Arc?

Dear Alice,

For the past week, I have seen hourly ads, on LOGO promoting the arriving Feature Film of the hit series Noah's Arc.

What is Noah's Arc, first of all, shame on you!

Second of all it's a show chronicling the lives of 4 gay black men and their significant others, living in Los Angeles.

It's been billed as a cross between Queer As Folk, Soul Food, Sex and the City and Girlfriends. While the show is WILDLY entertaining. I must say it's as far away from REALITY as a show can get.

a) It's nothing like Queer As Folk. (i was a huge fan of that show which was EQUALLY unrealistic....5 seasons and only 2 black guys, and never ONCE was their a hispanic guy? What's a Black Dominican like myself to think...)

Queer as Folk showed their sex scenes, Noah's Arc does not. (besides Noah and Wade in episodes One and the Series Finale) This is largely due to the differing Networks, as an Actor I understand that, but what i don't understand is why Noah and Ricky get 90 percent of the sex scenes when they only make up roughly 20 percent of the full cast.

This brings me to my MAJOR gripe with Noah's Arc, Alice. These characters are so unbelievable!!! Don't get me wrong, i was breast fed while mummy watched Dynasty, so I appreciate campiness, but this isn't a soap opera. it's suppose to be a realistic depiction of Gay Black America... (why else would Alex greet everyone with "Hey gir'" not to mention that flawless episode with the Voguing Ball)

1)First and Foremost, That Big Ol' queen Alex, would NEVER be paired with that gorgeous Masculine brick wall of sexiness that is Trey. it just doesn't happen. On Noah's Arc, they're shown as a loving out and proud married couple. Are you kidding me? Be real, the slightest bit of fem, makes the masculine boys run. I'm suppose to believe Alex could land Trey? are you mad?!! This is LOGO, not Ripley's Believe it or Not!!!
Real World - Trey and Alex would have hooked up for some late night booty calls, but theres no way Alex would be made wifey. Trey would have been after Wade. no fats no Fems, there's a reason why that term is so prevalent.

2) Noah is just as cute as a button, isn't he? But would one night of shagging really make a confused boy like Wade turn completely queer? Wow, that's a quick turnaround (no pun intended). Most guys (like Wade) struggle with their sexuality before coming out. Apparently Noah has a million dollar Man-gina.
REAL WORLD - Wade would have shagged Noah and not called him the next day.

3)Close to 49% of Black Men who sleep with men have the HIV Virus. Am i the only one who found it weird that it was Junito who had it? The little spanish boy, but not one of the black boys? and out of the 2 seasons of Noah's Arc only 3 people were depicted as being HIV positive...in LOS ANGELES?! That was Junito and two boys in Alex's STD center. (and if you don't remember them, don't feel bad, i got up to get a sandwich and missed them completely, they had less screen time that Mariah Carey's film "Glitter")

4)Noah is SO in love with Wade, that he sleeps with someone he JUST met, at a hook-up party? (A party he wasn't even attending.) Chance's boyfriend Cheated on him as well, and Wade turns around and cheats on his new boyfriend with NOAH!!! Does no one care about their spouses?!!! Are there no consequences for infidelity? Noah was actually REWARDED. He got THREE new boyfriends.
REAL WORLD - Somebody would have gotten their ass wooped.

5) it's Los Angeles, not Compton, where the hell are all the white people?
This list could go on and on, but i will say one ACCURATE and REALISTIC depiction of Noah's Arc would have to be the character of Ricky.
Alice, you know that there are more RICKY's in this world, than Wade's and Trey's put together. Fuck first, ask questions later...and sometimes, they don't even ask questions. Hat's off to you Ricky (Christian Vincent) for the most believeable, sluttiest, performance in both seasons.

With all this said, I have seen every episode, I own both seasons on DVD and I will also be front and center on it's opening day to watch the film. (AS SHOULD YOU!) Realistic or not, I know entertainment and Noah's Arc is an entertaining programme.

Until next time Dahling,

Cheers!