Dear Alice,
Did you know there are deadly sins of sex?
LUST - it's a tough one, i know, but you must resist this temptation. No LUST! So stop pining after that straight boy (guilty) Stop stalking that cheerleader (guilty) Stop swooning over that married bloke (guilty) it'll get you no where, except on the wrong end of a restraining order.
LIES - Yes thats right, no lying when it comes to sex. It's Futile! Don't tell someone you're swinging 10 inches of kielbasa when in fact you're closer to 3 inches of Vienna sausage, cuz when ya get naked, your goose is cooked mate! And don't say you've only had 5 partners when in fact its actually SIXTY five! *The worst lie of them all is "I was drunk" that's bollocks!!! as the old Latin addage goes "En Vino Veritas" Truth in Wine. That means, when you're drinking you do, say, and shag exactly want you want!
Selfishness - unless you're masturbating, sex is about dual satisfaction. (unless you're in an orgy) So stop being so bloody selfish. Just because you've blown your wad all over the blanket, drapes and ceiling fan doesn't mean you get to roll over and go to sleep. HELP YOUR PARTNER OUT. We all just want to get this over with!!!
REGRET- aw, poor baby. Do you regret that drunken shag? You regret that booty call that's not so attractive in sunlight? Well too F'in bad!!! Deal with it, you're a grown up. Suck it up and move on! You weren't belly achin' when you were poking that walrus, so don't complain now!!!
BEDHOPPING- Sex is not an all you can eat buffet. Just because there are a lot of flavors out there doesn't mean you have to dip your spoon into each one. More than 2 members of the same family is ENOUGH! More than 2 atheletes from the same team, ENOUGH! screwed all your friends, roommates and girlfriend's family, IT"S ENOUGH!!! Calm down! orgamsms aren't fertilizer, no need to spread em from East to West!
Oral Prohibition (no oral sex) - To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, WHAT?!!! I hear this alot, girls who don't go down, and guys who are "too macho" to eat. Have you lost your bloody mind? You won't pass the course if you don't complete the oral! Listen, willies were made to be sucked! And everytime you don't...a kitten, goes blind! and Pus*y was made to be eaten, Hey I do it, and it's great, it kinda tastes like chicken. (which is probably why black men love it so much, they just won't admit it)
and last but not least...
Cleanliness - before you commence the above act, remember, Cleanliness is next to godliness. Before anyone goes down on you, make sure that shit sparkles! I'm talking about Joan Crawford on her hands and knees screaming "YOU SCRUB THIS!!!!!"
Sincerely,
Teddy DeHaviland
Did you know there are deadly sins of sex?
LUST - it's a tough one, i know, but you must resist this temptation. No LUST! So stop pining after that straight boy (guilty) Stop stalking that cheerleader (guilty) Stop swooning over that married bloke (guilty) it'll get you no where, except on the wrong end of a restraining order.
LIES - Yes thats right, no lying when it comes to sex. It's Futile! Don't tell someone you're swinging 10 inches of kielbasa when in fact you're closer to 3 inches of Vienna sausage, cuz when ya get naked, your goose is cooked mate! And don't say you've only had 5 partners when in fact its actually SIXTY five! *The worst lie of them all is "I was drunk" that's bollocks!!! as the old Latin addage goes "En Vino Veritas" Truth in Wine. That means, when you're drinking you do, say, and shag exactly want you want!
Selfishness - unless you're masturbating, sex is about dual satisfaction. (unless you're in an orgy) So stop being so bloody selfish. Just because you've blown your wad all over the blanket, drapes and ceiling fan doesn't mean you get to roll over and go to sleep. HELP YOUR PARTNER OUT. We all just want to get this over with!!!
REGRET- aw, poor baby. Do you regret that drunken shag? You regret that booty call that's not so attractive in sunlight? Well too F'in bad!!! Deal with it, you're a grown up. Suck it up and move on! You weren't belly achin' when you were poking that walrus, so don't complain now!!!
BEDHOPPING- Sex is not an all you can eat buffet. Just because there are a lot of flavors out there doesn't mean you have to dip your spoon into each one. More than 2 members of the same family is ENOUGH! More than 2 atheletes from the same team, ENOUGH! screwed all your friends, roommates and girlfriend's family, IT"S ENOUGH!!! Calm down! orgamsms aren't fertilizer, no need to spread em from East to West!
Oral Prohibition (no oral sex) - To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, WHAT?!!! I hear this alot, girls who don't go down, and guys who are "too macho" to eat. Have you lost your bloody mind? You won't pass the course if you don't complete the oral! Listen, willies were made to be sucked! And everytime you don't...a kitten, goes blind! and Pus*y was made to be eaten, Hey I do it, and it's great, it kinda tastes like chicken. (which is probably why black men love it so much, they just won't admit it)
and last but not least...
Cleanliness - before you commence the above act, remember, Cleanliness is next to godliness. Before anyone goes down on you, make sure that shit sparkles! I'm talking about Joan Crawford on her hands and knees screaming "YOU SCRUB THIS!!!!!"
Sincerely,
Teddy DeHaviland
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