Alice, What does it mean when he says...?

My Dearest Alice,

Dating is all bullshit!!! It is! From the first date everything said is 90% bullshit...and I'm going to tell you the real deal. This is what "Let's be friends" and "it's not you it's me" really means.

"It's not you, it's me"
Actually It is you, i just don't want to be with you, but I'm trying to make myself the villain and make you hate me.

"I love you...but I'm not in love with you"
I don't want to be with you like I USED to...but i will still shag you if I'm desperate enough.

"let's be friends"
I don't like you like that, I've found someone new, but I'm too cowardly to tell you. However I want you to see me with my new boyrfriend/Girlfriend.

"If you knew the real me, you wouldn't want to date me"
I JUST DON"T LIKE YOU, but Im trying to make myself less attractive in your eyes.

"I don't like to kiss"
I don't find you attractive enough to kiss.

"I don't want anything serious"/ "I'm not ready for a relationship"
I only want to have sex with you, maybe once or maybe repeatedly but that's it.

"let's open things up" /"I think we should see other people"
i've all ready met someone else, but i have to ditch you first...however i want to keep you close enough if things don't work out.

(after sex) "I have to get up early for work tomorrow"
a)GO HOME!!! I don't want you in my bed!!! or
b)I want to go home, and no, I don't want to cuddle.

"You have nice eyes"
You're ugly and this is the best thing i can come up with.

"Do you want a massage?"
I want to have sex with you, i just don't know how to say it.

"Where's (insert your best looking girlfriend)? or "Invite (insert friend's name) to the party"
I find your friend attractive and i want to screw them behind your back.

"Have you ever thought about a threesome?"
sex with you is getting a bit boring, plus I'm attracted to this other person that you know.

"I like you like a brother/sister"
I'm not attracted to you, but i will let you buy me stuff and take me out.

"Call Me After 9p.m."
a) I'm too cheap to get a real phone plan. or
b)you're not worth wasting my daytime minutes.

"You can't call my house" or "I have a roommate we can't go back to my place"
a) I still live with my mama
b) I have a girlfriend
c) My family doesn't know I'm gay
or d) a combination of all three

and last but not least
"I only like anal sex"
(If your girl says this...check the front door)
Because it's a man!!!

Until Next time,

Teddy, The Special Guest Star