Dear Alice,
I know it's been a while since you have dated. You are one of the lucky few who is in the perfect relationship, But I am one of the MANY who is, in his 20's, single, and actively dating. In other words, I experience hell on a weekly basis. Every friday night...at the bar.
Is it me or do some people have the social graces of a hyena? Between the middle age men stalking the barely legal boys, and the women with full bras and empty wallets, scamming for drinks, it's enough to make you stay home and watch Masterpiece Theatre.
It's literally like going to war. Friday night, you suit up. men shower and shave, putting on the outfits that make them look appealing to whatever it is they want to attract. Women shave, bleach and pluck whats hairy. They make their hair and breasts look bigger, while trying to make their waists and feet look smaller. Girls congregate with their closest gal pals and troupe to the club. Men meet up with their boys and march down to the lounge.
Men scan the room for the easiest catch, Women scan the room for the handsomest predator. Men think they have the equipment or the bank out to snatch any girl in the club, and women think their equipment alone makes them irresistible. The bar is the watering hole, the dance floor becomes jungle, and the lounge becomes the open plains. Dahling...its hunting on the Serengeti! Cougars, Bears, Bunnies...or the occasional Wolfpack Leader, it's Animal Planet with a disco ball.
Now Alice, I am not a master of the pick up by ANY means, the majority of my conquests have been handpicked by me, on my laptop, but i have had my share of bar/club/lounge encounters to know that there are rules of the attraction.
1. You should dress to impress, while simultaneously, dressing for the venue. - Just because you're hanging at the local dive doesn't mean dirty jeans and you're Best Buy polo shirt are going to work. Wear what makes you look good, but dress appropriately. Brush your hair, show some skin.
If you're at a rock club, why not wear that sexy "Killers" T. Instead of that sweatshirt, i'm sure that black button down makes you look ultra cute. In other words, when in Rome...do the Romans.
2. Show interest without Stalking - Have you ever wondered why the gazelle takes off running, when the lion is chasing it? Yes the lion is a beautiful animal, but wouldn't you run if some 400lb beast were bearing down on you?!
Eye contact is key. Stand in their eye line. Make eye contact, and look away. Make eye contact again, but this time hold it a bit longer, and look away again. The third time, if you hold their gaze add a bit of a smile. IF this is reciprocated, you've just received a green light. If not, its your non verbal cue of "this gazelle is not interested"
3. If you're bold enough to walk up to a potential conquest. ALWAYS APPROACH FROM THE FRONT OR SIDE. Approaching someone from behind is creepy. Think Michael Myers walking behind Jaime Lee Curtis in Halloween. (the original, not that ghastly Rob Zombie remake)
4. Now my next piece of advice, is a double standard. For a man flirting with a woman, besides a handshake, she is NEVER to be touched, first. Am i right. Alice? This can be viewed as offensive or intimidating. Nor should you invade HER personal space. Sexy can quickly turn to sleazy. Let her touch YOU. Let her move into YOUR space bubble.
Now gay men. If by this time you haven't slipped into the bathroom for a hello blow job, and you are still in the flirting stage, a soft, subtle touch is a physical green light. It not only shows your potential suitor you are indeed interested, it also lets other predators checking out your guy that YOU'VE snagged this one.
Now boys don't get crazy. Don't grab his ass, don't try to kiss him, remember you've just met him. SUBTLETY goes a LONG way. I like to do a small touch of his stomach, if he makes a joke. (even if it's not funny) Or lately i've been using "you have great hands for sign language." (while i gently hold their hand) I know...i'm amazing.
5. Last but not least the piece-de-Resistance, the phone number. It is only 10 little digits, but they are so essential to dating. Does a knight forget his sword? Does a scuba diver forget his snorkel? Does a jerk forget his IPhone? NO. So don't forget the number. However you should not ask someone for their number. That's creepy. Instead you should offer to "exchange numbers"
Or if you're a saucy special guest star, you have your business card in your hand and as you're shaking hands goodbye, you discreetly slip it to them.
(and once again, if it's two guys, slipping your number into his front pocket is very sexy. NO FONDLING!)
Alice dahling, you would think by knowing all these rules, I'd have a better dating record...talk about irony.
Oh well.
Happy Holidays Alice, See you at Christmas
Always,
Tae Kennedy
